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Troubled Teens and Their Toilet Paper Habits

Kennady Donovan
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"Take a Blow"

Alyssa Lippens

The following piece is a satirical news article—a style of fiction that pretends to report the news in an attempt to criticize something in real life.

Teepeeing has been performed around Homecoming week for as long as we can remember. Teenagers from across town swarm together in a gang-type assembly to participate in throwing rolls of toilet paper. This gang, known as the Black Army, takes what it means to be a good Saber, smashes it into the ground, stomps on it, and lights it on fire.


In recent years, DeWitt has forbidden teepeeing and created consequences for those involved. Students caught teepeeing are punished severely.


During the last Homecoming week, the police in DeWitt were busy. Police swarmed Lincoln Park, the heart of DeWitt and a popular attraction to teepee-ers. Twenty police officers were on the scene, including four police cars, a helicopter, and the SWAT team. Many high schoolers were at the park and some unlucky ones were tracked down and stopped before they could get away with their toilet paper rolls. 


One of the unlucky ones, Timmy, was on the scene and was questioned by police after he tripped over the curb and face-planted. “I don’t know what overcame me to do something as horrible as hanging toilet paper from tree branches,” Timmy said with tears in his eyes. “I hope coach doesn’t find out and bench me during the big game this Friday.” 


Timmy wasn’t the only one affected by his acts. His mother, Karen, was deeply saddened and surprised by his actions. “I cannot believe my son did such a thing!” Karen said. “I didn’t raise him to act like such a monster! I don’t even know who Timmy is anymore. He must be punished for his actions so we can move forward.”


Out of all the activities teenagers do during Homecoming week, littering strands of toilet paper is by far the most savage act. Before we parted ways with Timmy, we asked if he would consider doing this activity again next year. “Absolutely,” Timmy said with no hesitation, “and I’ll make sure to not get caught ever again.” 


The police are making plans for next year to stop these villains, and next time, they are bringing two helicopters instead of just one.

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