The following piece is a satirical news article—a style of fiction that pretends to report the news in an attempt to criticize something in real life.

 

Hand holding, kissing, and the grabbing of waists. These are just a few of the physical interactions you may see between students in the breeding ground that is Central DeWitt High School. At CDHS, the trend of showing just how much you love your significant other is thriving. 

 

For this reporter, entering the school was like entering an alternate universe. Students sat on laps and pet each other like dogs; some could be seen walking down the hallways staring longingly into their lovers’ eyes. I took a moment to pull one student away from her boyfriend long enough to ask her how she feels about the people who seem to be able to live without eating their boyfriends' faces ten times a day. “I don’t understand how anyone could be apart from the one they love for the whole school day. I would forget his name if I didn’t get to see him every five minutes,” senior Macy Morgan stated. 

 

Most couples didn’t seem to be phased by the 54% chance of their relationship lasting past high school, and if anything, they seemed to use it as an excuse to show even more love to their partner while they could.

 

Students at Central DeWitt have become known for switching their class schedules around so they can continue to sit on their partners' laps even in the classroom. Learning in a comfortable environment reportedly improves success, after all. That’s what some students like to tell themselves at least. 

 

Guidance Counselor, Stacy Williams, spoke with The Purple Onion, saying that she “loves to witness the love between her students. It brings joy to see that they have someone they can connect with” and the subtle displays of affection in the hallways “melt her heart.” 

 

Whether the students make it past high school or not, it is clear that the love they show toward their partners is one of a kind. Maybe married couples should take a look at our younger generations and realize that they’re trying too hard to please their partners; all they need is to follow them around like lost puppy dogs. After all, high schoolers know best.