Hurting You Is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done

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My eyes are glued to the wall, blank-faced and teary-eyed. The clock ticks, breaking the silence in the room. Tick. Tick. Tick. I bring my knees to my chest, a pained expression possessing my face. I can feel it. I replay the incident in my head again and again, berating myself the more I think of it. The words he said are redundant, circling my thoughts like a roller rink.

 

“You hurt me.” The sorrow is so clear in his voice, it’s as if he spoke tears. If I could I would go back and fix it. I would never have hurt him. I would never have thought of betrayal. It’s far too late to make it up to you.

 

I sit here with knots upon knots wrapped in my stomach as the scene repeats, distancing me from reality. Tears creep down my cheek, warm and slick. I dive onto my bed sheets, soaking them into nothing.

 

I regret the way I shouted at you when you were hurt. Worrying about myself, not wanting to deal with your frustrations for reasons I cannot identify.

 

I didn’t want to get involved with another’s feelings because I am not even capable of handling the events that swarm my own mind.

 

I regret not loving you with everything I had. When you gave me everything you could give and even more, when you would plead for me to not be angry, I showed no mercy. I showed relentless selfishness and hate. I never hated you, I just do not know how to express my love in any other kind of way.

 

You did not deserve the things I did to you. The hurtful things I said were not intended to destroy you. I loved you, but sometimes love is not enough.

 

I regret telling you to look away when you looked at me with intimacy. For not being able to handle the way I felt when you did look at me. Selfishly, I could stare at your eyes, filled with intimacy. But my heart filled up with an inexplicable feeling, an emotion that only love could teach you to feel.

 

I know I loved you, and I still love you without a doubt. I wish I knew how to show you that I will never unlove you.

 

I regret not telling you the things that crowded my head, for not leaving any room to think of you. The exact opposite of the times when all I could possibly think of was you. That is a thought so incredibly ironic it frightens me.

 

 

Falling Out of Love With You.

 

 

Sometimes I think I have felt everything that I'm ever going to feel. And from here on out, I'm not going to feel anything new, just lesser versions of what I have already felt. 

 

I want to be done with it. An ancient fixture, hanging from a rope, in a white room filled with sunlight, potted plants, and empty picture frames.

 

Title-less books and words that have no meaning. I want sand and soil. I want to feel the air I breathe.

 

I want it to be okay, to be empty. 

 

I’m done reading our story. The pages repeat a melancholy story of love, lust, and habit. The chapters slur together, becoming all too redundant. The pages get more blank as our feelings do as well.

 

Our title becomes bare, the spine of our love becomes brittle. It breaks more and more after every touch. Our veins turn black like the branches of naked trees. Your poison coursed the wicked corners of my thoughts, turning them into a surreal gray happiness.

 

I was feeling indifferent. I felt nothing. I was only existing.

 

Losing You

i need some time

some time to figure you out

life & myself

i need to be revitalized with comfort

to feel the air i breathe

free from pent up emotions, begging to be set free

 

you found your way between my legs, searching for love when all you found was addiction.

you kissed me with words that held no meaning; infectious phrases that only a fool could believe.

 

it’s like an illness. we don’t know we were sick until it hurt in all the wrong places.

 

i find myself loving you with less of myself every day. i can no longer tolerate the harshness of your words. my heart doesn’t jump when I see you. but rather, it sinks.

 

you’ve become everything you said you’d never be. nothing is the same anymore.

 

i feel sick without you. everything hurts, but i cannot pinpoint where it hurts the most.

my whole being is shattered without your presence.

 

your breath tangled with mine. sharing the air that we breathe. and i’d look at you and your eyes. they would be softly closed. so content and quiet. the muscles in your face as still as sleep. i realized at that moment that i was in love with you and i always would be.

 

but you left. when you said you would never leave. i was ignorant to think you actually meant those words.