in the first moments
waves of sobs racked my body
i was drowning, and I didn’t understand it
didn’t know why the knife twisted in my heart 
hurt so much
 
i calm for an instant in time,
silently hiding behind a curtain of white tissue
desperately trying to be strong
to be a storybook hero, bravely hiding my emotions
but i can’t 
 
reduced to rubble is my world
and i’m simply lying underneath it
crushed
someday i’ll crawl out
but not today
 
next,
panic
heart beating rapidly,
doing nothing to help
attack
hyperventilating
grasping for anything that might keep me afloat
 
a hand reaches out
i grab it,
and hold on
 
once the panic subsides
i let go
i miss a day
simply waiting
until i can heal
so 
i 
can 
stand 
up 
again
on my two 
wobbly 
feet 
 
september 5th, 2017
i will never forget you