The following piece is a satirical news article—a style of fiction that pretends to report the news in an attempt to criticize something in real life.

 

New Resort for Girls Who Have Been Played,

Coming Soon to Hollywood!

 

Just last Friday, the town of Hollywood announced they are looking to add a new tourist resort to their already famous suburb. The resort is said to replicate the emotions female teens feel after being ghosted by a boy. The area's town leader, Trisha Trinkens, told CAPPA News that the attraction will “bring a new aspect to the town. Girls right now need to feel hurt more often.” She also explained that the need for an all-female attraction is a must. Right now, 250 square miles of California land have been purchased for the new attraction to take place. Construction is expected to start on February 15, just a day after Love’s Day. 

 

It seems, from our research conducted here at CAPPA News, that the tourist attraction’s project plan was designed by Bev Everly a few months ago. Her designs include roller-coaster rides with both physical and emotional pain, a virtual reality game space where participants can customize their dream boy, and even rom-com movie rooms with self-serving ice cream machines. Bev Everly stated that her inspiration for this resort came after she was ghosted by a boy she had been talking to for twelve days. She was crushed to her core when she saw this boy unadded her on Snapchat and blocked her phone number. After talking with her close friends who experienced similar situations, she decided that a resort was just what girls needed. 

 

Many young teens are excited to hear the news of this “for the girls” resort to come to Hollywood. One teen, Malinda Sprite, told CAPPA reporters, “I can’t wait to have a safe space to go after being played. I also am looking forward to the other aspect of the resort as well”. This other aspect is the second portion of the resort's project plan. The part is a breeding ground for girls to get played again by boys in order for them to have to repeat the emotional trauma cycle. Bev Everly specially made this portion in order for her resort to keep customers. “If I were to just make girls feel better after being dumped, I would be setting myself up for closure. Who knows if boys will ever start being gentlemen again? If they do, there would be no reason for my resort to stay open.” The second portion is said to include boys who have records of breaking girls’ hearts such as skinny bull riders, frat guys, mammas boys, and short kings whose egos are way too big. After girls have spent time healing, they will pick a boy from their selection and be hurt again so that they can repeat the healing cycle. 

 

Many girls, like Malinda Sprite, are drawn to this toxic trend. Malinda also stated in a tweet, “Can’t wait for this resort! I love getting played by guys! #Hurt. Heal. Repeat.” Experts say that this behavior is normal and likely will not change any time soon—good news for Bev Everly. 

 

The project is expected to cost over three billion dollars to complete. All funds have been donated or paid for through California state taxes. The grand opening of this project is set for the week before Christmas when most girls are ghosted by boys who are too scared to “meet the parents.”